What Is It Like to Be on the Other Side of You?

A few years ago, I was sitting in a café after a coaching session, replaying the conversation in my head.

By most standards, it had gone well. I had stayed calm throughout. I asked thoughtful questions. I offered perspective at the right moments. From the outside, it looked like solid leadership.

Yet something felt unsettled.

It wasn’t that anything had gone wrong. It just felt incomplete, as though I had missed something subtle but important.

Later that week, a mentor asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks:

“What’s it like to be on the other side of you?”

He wasn’t asking about my intentions. He wasn’t asking what I meant to communicate or how hard I tried. He was asking about the actual experience of being led by me.

That question landed harder than any feedback I had ever received.

Like many leaders, I had been evaluating myself based on effort. I focused on preparation, emotional control, and clarity of thought. My internal scorecard was built around what I believed I was contributing.

The people around me were not experiencing my effort. They were experiencing my impact.

Those two realities often live in very different worlds.

When I began studying the most admired leaders I knew, I noticed a consistent pattern. They were not trying to be impressive. They were not chasing charisma. They were not performing leadership for the sake of appearance.

They were deeply curious about how they were experienced.

They regularly asked themselves questions such as:

Do people feel safe telling me the truth?
Do people leave conversations with me feeling heard?
Do people feel more capable after interacting with me?

That level of curiosity requires humility. It asks you to move beyond your own narrative and consider the emotional footprint you leave behind.

I decided to adopt a simple weekly practice. At the end of each week, I reflect on a few questions:

Where did I create energy in conversations?
Where might I have drained it?
Where did I lean into curiosity?
Where did I default to control?

This is not an exercise in self-criticism. It is an exercise in honest awareness. Growth begins with observation, not judgment.

You cannot change what you refuse to examine.

If you want to strengthen your leadership this week, I invite you to take one step further. Ask someone you trust a courageous question:

“When you come to me with something difficult, what is that experience like for you?”

Then listen carefully. Resist the urge to defend or explain. Treat their perspective as valuable data about your impact.

Admired leadership does not begin with strategy. It begins with self-awareness. It deepens when we become genuinely curious about how others experience us.

The moment you shift from managing your intentions to understanding your impact is the moment your leadership evolves.

Yours in Leadership,

Lee Povey