The Steel Man: How Great Leaders Argue to Learn, Not to Win
A few months ago, I was in a coaching session with a visibly frustrated founder. He said, “My team just doesn’t get it; they keep arguing with me instead of listening.”
So I asked him, “When they challenge you, do you try to understand their point first, or do you immediately explain why they’re wrong?” He paused. Smiled awkwardly. Then said, “Touché.”
That’s the moment it clicked for him, and honestly, for most leaders I work with, that the goal isn’t to win conversations, it’s to learn from them.
The Straw Man: Ego’s Favorite Argument
A straw man argument occurs when we distort or oversimplify someone else’s point to make it easier to attack.
“So you’re saying we should just ignore the numbers?”
“You think people shouldn’t be held accountable?”
“Oh, so you don’t care about results?”
Sound familiar? That’s ego in action. It’s what happens when the brain shifts from curiosity to combat.
The moment we do that, we stop learning. We stop connecting. Ironically, we lost the very influence we were trying to project.
The Steel Man: Kindness Meets Rigor
The steel man approach flips that. Instead of tearing down the weakest version of someone’s argument, you intentionally build up the strongest possible version, then engage with that.
It’s empathy and rigor combined.
It sounds like this: “So you’re saying X, because you value Y — have I got that right?”
When people feel heard, they become more open. When they feel misunderstood, they dig in deeper. Steel-manning is how you open the door to genuine dialogue instead of dead-end debates.
How to Practice It
Pause your ego. When you feel the urge to “correct,” stop. Think curiosity before conclusion.
Reflect, don’t react. Try summarizing their point so well that they say, “Exactly, you understand!” That’s how you know you’ve earned the right to respond.
Engage from growth, not defense. Once you’ve built the steel man, share your perspective with the intent to explore, not to score points.
Offer your view with humility. You might say, “I see it a little differently. Are you open to my perspective?” This transforms debate into dialogue.
Check your outcome. If you walk away thinking, “I won,” you probably didn’t. If you walk away thinking, “I understand them better,” that’s progress.
Why It Matters
If your goal is to win, someone else has to lose. If your goal is to grow, everyone can walk away better. The steel man approach isn’t about being “nice.” It’s about being effective.
It’s how you build psychological safety, deepen trust, and create space for challenge — the raw material of innovation and better leadership.
A Challenge for This Week
Next time you’re in a disagreement at work, at home, or even in your own head, ask yourself: “Am I building a straw man or a steel man right now?”
Choose steel.
Great leaders don’t need to be right; they want to be effective.
If this resonated with you, hit reply and tell me where you’ve seen this dynamic in your team, your relationship, or even with yourself. I love hearing real-world stories of growth in action.
— Lee
